Saying Goodbye

It has been a very long time since I last wrote on here, regarding my blogging dilemma. How ridiculous that post now seems in light of the past 3 weeks or so.

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On Thursday, May 21st my dear Mother passed away. It was both extremely sudden and yet something we had been preparing for for over 2 years. She had metastatic colon cancer. She had just been moved from her parents home to a long-term care facility 3 week prior, and just been moved to a private room 2 days before. I last saw my mother the Saturday before she passed away, last spoke with her the night before.

When I got the phone call that I needed to come immediately as she ‘had a turn’, it took 25 minutes to drive to her place. I didn’t make it in time. My brother, who lives just 8 minutes away, didn’t make it either. When she was ready to go, she didn’t wait around for anyone. She went, quickly, peacefully and thankfully not alone. Though I wish I had been there to hold her hand, I am comforted by the knowledge that the nurses and care-aids were there.

The last few weeks have been a blur. It is amazing to me how much paperwork death incurs. Even when everything is organized, it is overwhelming. At a time when you just need to grieve, there are an unfortunate amount of things to deal with.

My dear mother, who fought so hard and tried to maintain such dignity, right until the end, was gone. It is amazing how you can learn to live with someone you love having a terminal illness. How it can become just another part of your life. And even though you know it means eventually they will die, it becomes something to happen in the future. Until that future becomes part of now, it doesn’t seem real.

Now is here though. Now we are able to move forward and plan for another future. But it stills seems so unreal at times. After almost 3 years, we are all free, sad but free. Mom is free, free from the pain, free from that body, free to be part of the universe, free. And somehow we are also free, free to move forward, free to plan, free to be/try/do something different. It is a bittersweet freedom death has given all of us. I am not sure yet how to embrace this new future and these conflicting emotions.

All I know, is I miss my mother and I want to make my life something she would be proud of.. something I can be proud of. She wanted me to follow my dreams.. and this is exactly where my path will lead.

Love you Mom.. thank you for everything.

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